Occupational Dilemma
by LostOzian
Summary: In which LostOzian discoveres the uncooperative nature of her chosen canon. Canon pairings, Rent, Wicked, and all that jazz.


**Disclaimer: Wicked, RENT, and Phantom of the Opera do not belong to LostOzian. Just to make sure that's clear. **

* * *

"Here she comes," Elphaba whispered as the Lost sat at her computer to write again.

"Surprise!" Everybody with their own songs shouted. The Lost jumped.

"Sweet Oz, guys!" she said, starting to laugh. "You scared me!"

"We missed you!" Glinda squealed, the end of the word 'you' escalating to a pitch too high to hear. The Lost knew that if Glinda had been a physical entity, she would be giving away a hug.

"A lot," Fiyero added.

"Guys, it's not like it was a big deal. You knew I'd be back," the Lost said.

"Not a big deal?" The Wizard said incredulously. "It's been ages since you put me in a fic!"

"Yeah, about that…" the Lost began.

"And you don't have to write that date with Boq and I if he doesn't want to do it," Nessa said with the barest hint of regret.

"Aw, Nessa! That's so sweet!" the Lost said, and Nessa didn't make an egotistical comment.

"And if you want to do a Glick, I won't mind just this once," Glinda said.

"We talked about this, remember? It's a Gloq," Boq said kindly, as if he had already been married to Glinda for years and years.

"Wait," the Lost said. "If you guys keep offering favors, you'll be out of character and I'll get flamed."

The usually uncooperative members of the canon grumbled something about good deeds and punishment.

"Actually, the time off gave me some time to think on my own," the Lost said.

"Really?" Fiyero asked.

"And I do believe a change of pace is in order," she smiled.

"What do you mean?" the Wizard said, beginning to worry.

"Well, I've been thinking about…y'know…bringing in some other characters and using them for a little while. I won't forget about you guys, but-"

"You're going to work with _original_ characters?" Elphaba spat the word 'original'.

"Oh, I am _so_ through with original characters!" Glinda said. "Fiyeraba was a right little _shrew_!"

"Hey!" Elphaba and Fiyero said together, the best representation Fiyeraba could get in the 'canon' section of the Lost's mind.

"No, no OCs…" the Lost said.

"Crossover?" Boq ventured.

Glinda hoped Elphaba would hook up with someone else and she would get Fiyero.

Boq hoped Nessa would hook up with someone else and he would get Glinda.

Nessa hoped Glinda would hook up with someone else and she would get Boq.

Elphaba and Fiyero hoped that the Lost was still so addicted to Fiyeraba that she wouldn't break them up.

"Not exactly…" the Lost said.

"Oh, just tell them what you're planning already!" Maureen said.

"Sweet Oz, it's that freaky bisexual girl everybody calls my twin!" Elphaba said.

"We're more alike than you think," Maureen said. "Nice tango, very sexy."

"We usually don't talk about that particular fic," Fiyero said delicately, hoping the diva would get the hint and shut up about the most embarrasing story of his 'life'.

"Ozians," the Lost said. "Meet the Bohemians."

Crickets chirped the 1812 overture.

"Uh… hi?" Mark said, having not felt this awkward since the first life support meeting.

"I knew we shouldn't have sent you to that nerdy writer's camp!" Glinda screamed.

"I'm sorry!" the Lost started crying. "I tried to find other Ozheads, but there were some nice RENTheads, and they gave me packets of sugar-"

"And now they've gone and infected you with the Obtained Resistant RENT-head Condition!" Glinda kept screaming.

"That would be 'Acquired Immune RENT-head Syndrome, or AIRHS." the Lost corrected.

"It's a _disease_!" Glinda whispered ominously.

"I could take offense to that if I wanted to," Angel said casually.

"Would you all just be cool?" Collins said. "We mean no harm!" Fiyero screamed girlishly.

"No! Bad! Whenever you show up, it means my sexuality is in question!" Fiyero said accusingly.

"Honey?" Angel said to Collins.

"I… did a limited engagement," he said. "Really only an appearance, in that tango-songfic,"

"And it's all because of you!" Fiyero said again, sounding about to cry. The Lost raised an eyebrow at his dramatics.

"Ah, ah, ah, I thought we didn't talk about that fic!" Maureen said teasingly.

"Maureen, if you _dare_ look sideways at any one of those Oz-freaks, we're through!" Joanne said.

"Who're you calling an Oz-freak?" Elphaba said darkly.

"Do we need another take-me-or-leave-me scene?" Maureen said.

"I'm not _technically_ an Oz-freak…" The Wizard said ambiguously.

"Ew," Maureen said, and that was that.

"Okay, now I need all of you to at least _pretend_ to get along…" the Lost began.

"Do we have to?" Benny and Boq said at the same time.

"I want to go home…" Mimi and Glinda said at the same time.

"Would you quit saying things at the same time?" Roger and Fiyero said…at the same time.

"LOST!" All fourteen characters shouted. LostOzian cowered in fear.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop…" she promised. "Now, would you just listen to what I'm going to say?"

Everybody settled down.

"Okay. Multi-chapter series. Canon pairings only from _both_ musicals…"

"Impossible," Joanne, Mark, Glinda, Boq, and Nessa all said, but not technically at the same time.

"Hooray to two-way couples!" Roger said, laughing at the Frowniepoos and their little love triangles.

"To AIDS!" Mimi added.

"To teachers!" Elphaba said.

"To birth defects!" Collins said.

"To dying in your show!" Angel said.

"To getting saved!" Fiyero said, mostly because Elphaba had said something.

"Shut up!" the Lost said. "I don't need another 'La Vie Boheme' going on inside my head!"

"The Phaaaaantom of-" Christine started singing, but the Lost shoved her out.

"Outta here, opera-diva! I don't even know you!" she said. After a few moments as the Lost caught her breath, she addressed the characters she could actually write in-character.

"That being said, who's in?" she asked.

"Wait!" Fiyero said. "I demand terms to my cooperation."

"You could be a lawyer," Joanne commented.

"What do you want, Fiyero?" the Lost sighed.

"One- I am a heterosexual male. This will not be debated by anyone."

"Done," the Lost said. "Is that it?"

_"We gotta get those bohos out of here," Boq whispered. "Elphaba and Fiyero are playing contract, so that leaves three of us against eight of them."_

"Two- the same terms apply to Elphaba in the fact she is a heterosexual female." Fiyero said.

_"What about me?" the Wizard said in his best conspiracy-voice._

"I can't guarantee that," the Lost said. "Too many Gelphie-heads would flame. I can assure she's bi…"

_"You're creepy," Glinda told him._

"That's okay. Really, all I want is to know for sure that she's female." Fiyero said.

_"So what? I can help," the Wizard said._

"Oh, that's a give-in," the Lost said. "I only planned on doing that once."

_"Fine, on three…" Boq said. "One…"_

"All right then, I'm in," Fiyero said.

"Me, too," Elphaba said.

_"Two…" Boq continued._

"Bohos?" the Lost checked. Nobody protested.

"THREE!" Boq shouted.

The Bohemians all screamed in terror as the Wizard, Glinda, Nessa, and Boq all attempted to banish them to The Land of What Might Have Been.

"NO!" Elphaba screamed. "_MY_ private fantasy land reserved for M-rated scenes of Fiyero and I! Get them out of there!"

The fearsome four turned their energies on banishing the Bohemians back to Mark and Roger's loft.

"Scarred for life by heterosexuality!" Joanne wailed, the only one to have full exposure before Elphaba intervened.

"Pooky!" Maureen screamed. "She's _hurt_!"

"We'll put her on the Magical Metal Table of Saving Lives! Now let's go!" Roger shouted, and the Bohemians all ran away. Battle won, the Ozians that fought tried to rest.

Unfortunately, the Lost was furious.

"Can't you guys get along with _anyone_?!" she screamed. "You always resort to violence when you think someone has wronged you!"

"Boq's idea…" the Wizard said weakly.

"This is a bad deed, so someone will be punished!" the Lost continued.

"Bick…" Glinda said, but she was ignored.

"The one who will be punished is…"

Boq prepared himself for the inevitable.

"_Fiyero_!"

"What?!" Fiyero cried. "What did I do?"

"Well…nothing," the Lost admitted. "But I have a really good idea of how to punish you."

"Please let there be Fiyeraba..." Fiyero hoped against hope.

"The pairing, yes." LostOzian confirmed. Fiyero let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, if it's a Fiyeraba, it can't be all bad, now can it?" he said.

"Oh, it can be bad…" LostOzian said. "It _will_ be bad…"

* * *

**To the Bohemians,**

**I am dreadfully sorry the Wicked canon behaved the way it did. I sincerely hope Joanne has made a full recovery, and that there are no ill feelings toward those who partook in your abusive treatment. Rest assured that somebody will be punished.**

**Yours truly, LostOzian**

"Well, that was nice of her," Mark said, looking down at the letter in his hands. Maureen and a sickly-looking Joanne were on the couch together, and Roger was trying to calm a very angry Mimi.

"I didn't know it only worked if you sang 'Your Eyes', okay?!" he was saying. "She's a lesbian, anyway! It's not like we could ever be together!"

"You're sad about that?" Mimi asked accusingly. Roger's face grew ashen.

"W-what?! No! _No_," he pointed at Joanne. "Who could love that?"

"_Hey_!" Maureen shot daggers at the emo rocker. However, Roger's comment seemed to appease Mimi, who proceeded to forcefully make out with her emo rocker-y-boo.

"So what now?" Collins said. "The Ozheads refuse to work with us."

"Wait, there's a PS," Mark said. "'Due to the uncooperative nature of my chosen canon, if you will accept, I would write the story…" Mark waved the letter in the air excitedly. "For the RENT SECTION'!"

Everybody cheered, except Benny, who everybody hated, so he didn't celebrate.

"Hey, let's go dance on tables at the Life Café!" Angel said.

"Yay!" Maureen squealed, helping Joanne up. "C'mon, Pooky, it'll help you get better!" Joanne shuddered.

"I never want to see another heterosexual anything for as long as I live," she said.

"That could be hard to pull off, but I'll try my best!" Maureen said as she dragged Joanne out the door.

Mark toasted the letter toward the ceiling.

"Thanks, Lost," he said.

"You're welcome," a mysterious voice said.


End file.
